A Few Good Men - My Musings on Manhood

A few good men. This common phrase is a paradox. A farce. A falsehood. A misleading term.

This world has more than a few good men. There are many good men! In fact, I know many, many good men. And I am thankful for them. Yes, the men.

In my experience, it is men who have stepped up to the plate when things are rough, men who are willing to take the lead in difficult situations, and men who willingly sacrifice their own well-being for others. Thank you, gentlemen.

I’m confused and concerned about a common rhetoric in our society that men are all bad. Or fathers are all absent. Or husbands are all unfaithful. Or bosses are all abusive. Whether I am behind or ahead of the times, let me repeat, I applaud men.

One example of a good man is my great dad. He worked hard, made little money, and provided all that he could for our family. Despite the fact that I had ten siblings, he spent time one on one with us, discussing our dreams, providing fatherly advice, and giving ample encouragement and comfort when needed. He still does all of those things for me now, even though I’m a grown-up. My Dad is a good man.

Another great example is my husband. He is a better parent than me. He is the one who keeps his cool when everything is falling apart, who willingly cleans the skinned knees and applies the band-aids, who mows the last patch of lawn when everyone else is grumpy, who picks up the final toys in the living room, and who always takes the garbage out. It’s even my husband who waits up until the last teenager has returned at the midnight hour. Thank goodness!

Motherhood Matters

Motherhood matters. The longer I live, the more I comprehend this truth: Motherhood Matters.

With all due respect, I'm convinced that raising children is the most significant, the most difficult, and the most fulfilling task in life. It is influence. It is power. It is life.

Motherhood matters in many ways, but one of the most poignant is the influence mothers have on the world. Forever and ever.

Take last week, for example. Day one, we sent our daughter off to college. After 18 years of living at home, she was ready to stretch her wings. We dropped her off at her dorm room—decorated pink and grey, her new backpack hanging from her closet hook, her new laundry detergent and books and school shoes ready for her new life. It was a tender and thrilling moment. I couldn’t help but recall the day I had arrived at the same university, excited and nervous, hugging my family goodbye, looking ahead to a grand adventure. It seemed like just yesterday.

My daughter’s anticipation was so thrilling that I almost wished it was me again, setting my sails for the new world. But then it became clear: I was living life through her. Her experiences would become my experiences. Her success was my success. Her happiness produced my joy. I could go to college again and again and again and have all of the excitement and fulfillment because of and through my children. Motherhood expanded me and who I was. It was an eye opening revelation.

The Merry Month of MAYhem

Every mother knows that the month of May is CRAZY! As the school year comes to an end we are flooded with final soccer games, final dance recitals, final tumbling rehearsals, final band concerts, final choral exhibits, final art displays, end of year parties, final exams, final Prom, cheerleading tryouts and… the list goes on. May is busy if you have ONE child, but multiply that by TWO, or THREE, or TEN and every day becomes absolutely insane! The dictionary definition of "mayhem" is CHAOS!

I know May is a wild trip for every family—and it’s certainly not a contest to prove that we’re busier than our next door neighbor—but nevertheless, I’m still recording the events of this month for my posterity’s sake...or they surely wouldn’t believe it!

Let’s begin with the simple math facts: We have 9 children at home right now. Each child is involved in at least ONE extra-curricular activity. (But let’s face it, that usually balloons to two or three or more, right?) PLUS add on school activities, tests, and parties. Those don’t usually count in the daily schedule. But when they involve a parent going in to observe or participating, then everyday school events start gumming up the calendar as well.

Of Polio, Pornography, and Peace

Last month I traveled to Cincinnati, Ohio to spend the weekend with my sisters. One of our excursions took us to the world-renown Cincinnati Children’s Hospital. My talented sister-in-law, Dr. Sanita Hunsaker, is a child psychologist there.

 I wouldn’t initially anticipate that a hospital was a sacred place, but our experience at Cincinnati Children's was absolutely holy. Entering the campus, we saw a beautiful old structure, dating back to 1931. It was in this original research building that Dr. Albert Sabin developed the oral polio vaccine. As the wife of a Rotarian, I understand the urgency and importance of eradicating polio from the world. 

On the steps of that antique edifice hundreds of mothers gathered on April 24, 1964—the first “Sabin Sunday”—to have their children vaccinated against polio. A statue in honor of Dr. Sabin stands in the courtyard today.

The Hiking Hint

     When I was fourteen years old, my family spent a week at Philmont Scout Ranch in New Mexico. While my parents and siblings stayed in camp attending classes, doing crafts and other activities, my older sister and I opted to take a week-long backpacking trek through Philmont’s wilderness backcountry. 

It sounded like a fun adventure: hike a few miles every day, cook outdoor meals, watch campfire programs at night, and do some rock-climbing and rappelling—nothing we couldn’t handle.  In fact, we were exhilarated about a week in the mountains. 

We said a cheerful “goodbye” to the rest of our family and boarded the bus that would take us to our drop-off point.  My heart pounded with anticipation.  The bus rolled to a stop and we jumped out, grabbed our gear and looked up—at a huge hill.  The first mile of our trek seemed to stretch straight up from where we stood!  Biting our tongues, we set out. It was hard!  Our forty-pound packs weighed us down and the sun beat on our backs. When we reached the crest of the first hill, another one loomed before us. This was one, big mountain! After what seemed like ages, we begged our ranger to let us take a break. 

“No,” she said, “We’re just getting started.” 

Confessions of a CEO

I am a CEO.  I manage the personal schedules, finances, needs and lives of twelve people.  (Well, almost twelve.  My husband manages his own--most of the time.)

For me, like any other CEO, it’s all about the numbers.

Yesterday I did 20 minutes of aerobic exercise, read 26 verses of scripture, made breakfast for ten people, packed six lunches, sent eight people out the door, washed one batch of dishes, did three loads of laundry, read a story to two preschoolers, and freshened up five bathrooms--all before 10am! Those sound like pretty good stats to me.

I then drove to the store and spent exactly 50% of my monthly grocery budget on 45 meals. I saved $12 buying non-brand products, and $10 of next month’s grocery money buying butter on sale. (Did I mark that in the notebook?)  I also set aside cash for two weeks of piano lessons and tumbling fees (due tomorrow).

Ten Tips for Surviving Motherhood (From an Exhausted Mom)

In the past 24 hours four different moms have told me they are exhausted, discouraged and tired of being a mother. And I’m one of those four. BEING A MOM IS JUST SO HARD SOMETIMES! It’s hard because of the emotional and physical strain of caring for and raising other humans. It’s hard because we survive on little sleep ourselves.  It’s hard because we are the sounding board for every thing and everyone. And, it’s hard because in the midst of this marathon we are MANAGING THE WORLD! The laundry, the groceries, the PTA, the housework, the meals, the garden, the Scout den, the Church youth group, the budget, and the HOMEWORK! Oh, the everlasting homework.

As I’ve pondered and persevered on this uphill battle, I’ve formulated strategies to pull myself through the tough times; the difficult moments when I want to crawl into bed with the covers over my head, but instead I have to drive 3 kids to soccer practice, solve a 7^th grade math problem, and make dinner for 12 people. You know, those days when the ENTIRE universe is depending on you!

So, in an effort to help myself and the three moms I’ve chatted with today (and the other million that may feel similarly), here are Ten Everyday Tips for Surviving this Difficult, Glorious, Ride we call Motherhood.

1.     Do it! – The first tip to surviving motherhood is just to do it! Become a mom. Take the leap. Take the plunge. Take the risk.

Chances are that if you are reading this, you already are a mother. You’re not likely a professional tennis player looking for some light entertainment or a politician with spare time on your hands. No, I’ll bet that 99.9% of you readers are mothers. So, congratulations! You’ve mastered tip number one.

Simply becoming a mother is hard—physically and emotionally. And it takes a tremendous commitment from you, whether you’ve birthed or adopted your child. You have literally agreed to sacrifice your life for another human being. Now, granted, we generally take this step a bit naively, when all we can envision of motherhood is the fun of playing house with our dollies. But, we’ve taken the step just the same, and we deserve a party.

Now that you are on the path (and—surprise! There’s no turning back!), chances are good that you will survive this journey. And, I’m willing to bet, you will not only survive, but thrive!

2.     Just Keep Swimming – The very moment we become mothers we face a whole experience without a handbook. We hold that newborn in our arms and suddenly we are solely responsible for their well-being. Changing diapers, feeding, sleeping. It’s overwhelming and wonderful. And, as little people grow, their challenges do, too. Soon diapers are the least of our worries. Now we are helping them ride a bike, stay out of the road, and finish their carrots at dinner. Time passes and now we are concerned about who their teacher is, if their homework is finished, and if they practiced the piano before going to bed. And soon our challenges have grown to driving, dating, jobs, and graduating from high school. In other words, motherhood is challenging every day!

So here’s another tip: Just Keep Swimming. Just keep going with the flow and surviving. That’s the long and the short of it. Get up the next day. Drive to the next soccer game. Fix the next meal. Change the next diaper. Endurance is 90% of success. And finishing what we’ve started is the bulk of thriving.

On the days when I feel I can’t possibly keep going, I remind myself to just keep swimming. And then, I fold the next batch of laundry, deal with the next teenage crisis, sign the next page of Algebra homework, and get through the next day. And, somehow, when I wake up the next morning, my energy is renewed, and I can keep on mothering.

3.     Make a Backwards List – I’m the queen of list-making. I make to-do lists for myself, lists for my husband, and lists for my kids. But sometimes I get to the end of a day and find out that I didn’t accomplish anything on my list! How discouraging! In those times, it’s helpful to make a Backwards List. Take a moment before bed and write down what you did do during the day. Think of each batch of laundry, each trip to the school, each meal cooked and cleaned up, each child you helped, each phone call you made. Think about the time you went out to play ball for a minute, or helped your husband with a project, or cleaned up the living room. Write down every single thing you did that wasn’t on a list, and your spirits will likely lift. It helps to have a list of what was accomplished during the day, even if the list was made backwards.

Babies: Burden or Blessing?

My baby turned 2 years old last week and we had a huge celebration! But I will never forget the day I discovered I was expecting him, Baby #10.

It was a cool fall day just after school started. Staring at the positive pregnancy test in the privacy of my bathroom my heart sank and I immediately felt overwhelmed. I could hear my nine noisy busy children out in the kitchen chattering and making dinner.

I had good reason to feel overwhelmed. My youngest daughter was three, and for the first time in 18 years I had a "completely-potty-trained-put-on-your-own-shoes-feed-yourself-mostly-self-sufficient household." Eight of my children had gone back to school that month, and during the previous week I had relished the three hours of quiet I enjoyed every day while they were gone. In many ways I felt that my life was just beginning. I knew that I would finally be able to keep up on housework and even have time for some personal projects. Also, I was just a few weeks away from turning 41. Socially, I was just too old to have a baby.

Ten Parenting Principles That Have Shaped My Motherhood

I'll be the first to admit that motherhood is wonderful but challenging!!! So when people ask how I effectively raise ten children, I hesitate to offer any secrets to success. After all, each individual mother and family situation is unique. I firmly believe that we are all just doing our best in a soul-stretching profession.

However, there are certain universal principles that I do believe are key to rearing productive and happy children in today’s world. I gleaned these parenting tips from my own parents and good mothers and fathers I’ve observed. I share them here in the hope that others will adopt and adapt them and pass them on.

My motherhood philosophy changes yearly, weekly and daily as my parenting journey evolves and matures. In other words, I'm still developing my strategies just like everyone else! 

But today, as the mother of ten busy and good children, ages one through nineteen, I share the top ten parenting principles that have shaped my motherhood. I hope you find these helpful!

10. Routine Structure and schedules are the only answer to smoothly managing the lives of twelve people. When children know what time we are waking up, going to bed, leaving for school, what jobs they are expected to complete in the morning, where they sit at the dinner table, where their shoes belong and other routines it adds ease to our crazy life. I believe that organization is good for children. It teaches them boundaries and respect for regulation. And, it makes my life simpler. Knowing that we are doing laundry on Monday, cleaning bedrooms on Saturday, practicing the piano in the morning, and who washes the dinner dishes each evening means I don’t have to reinvent the wheel every day. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Thinking ahead, having a plan, and then sticking to it is the only way I stay sane!

9. Family Mealtimes The family that eats together stays together—I firmly believe that adage! Last week a visitor at our door was surprised to see 11 of us sitting down to dinner in our dining room. “Do you eat together every night?” she asked, amazed. Yes, we do. Granted, some evenings my husband is gone for a meeting, or my high school son has a track meet, or my daughter is working at her job, but the rest of us still sit and eat—together. I love those times! Not only is family mealtime helpful for creating healthful habits and manners in children, but in addition we all share and talk about our day and the world waits while we recharge together. It’s a great time for our teens, tweens and toddlers to connect despite their different stages of life. In fact, to me, mealtime is the best of times—a golden moment when I feel a small surge of success.

Autumn Time

No! SUMMER CANNOT BE OVER YET! It absolutely may not end!!! I know I write this exact same column every single year, yet I have these exact same emotions every single year.  August turns into September and then into October long before I am ready to give up July.

“Wait!” I want to shout.  “This mom is just getting into the swing of things. I am finally accustomed to swimming and vacationing and reading without any schedule. I am finally adjusting to meals on the fly and sudden trips to the library. I am acclimated to long, hot, lovely days when flip-flops and shorts will suffice.” And then, suddenly, those days are over, there is a cool nip in the air, and school has started. It just isn’t fair.

Welcome, Autumn

*Note: I wrote this article in October 2011, shortly after our sweet Autumn Joy was born. Even though that memorable day was five years ago, I still reflect on the power and principles of the glorious Autumn harvest.

Last month we celebrated Autumn with a joyful harvest.  Among other things we harvested our garden…a bit unexpectedly.  The overnight frost forced us to gather tomatoes, peppers, squash, melons, potatoes, and onions into our dining room.  Our kitchen table suddenly became a cornucopia, spilling over onto the floor.  Although we were sorry for the end of the season, we were filled with joy at seeing what our labors had produced.  The spring and summer months of planting, weeding and watering were suddenly worth it.

SCHOOL DAYS - A Mother's Soliloquy

I’m sending eight children to school this year – from high school senior on down through pre-kindergartener.   Shouldn’t I be in the Guinness Book of World Records or something?  After all, managing eight students is a feat worth recording.  That is, if I survive.  Let me replay how our school preparation has gone. 

“Everyone wash out your lunchboxes,” I call during one of our final summer afternoons.  Soon, a display of boxes and bags are lined up on the counter, rinsed and still dripping a bit.  It’s exhausting just to consider the food prep each school morning will require, even though many of my little pupils pack their own meal.

“School clothes day,” I call on a different morning.  Then, one by one, I go through each child’s drawer with him or her.  “School shirt, play shirt, dirty shirt that it’s time to dispose of, shirt you don’t wear so we’re donating to charity, shirt that doesn’t fit you any more (put it in your brother’s drawer)…”  The school clothes project takes all day. 

I DON'T Love Being a Mom

Nope. I don’t necessarily love this crazy parenting lifestyle. Never mind that I did “like” the Facebook page titled “I Love Being a Mom.” But that was a hypocritical act. Sorry to burst the bubble of anyone who thought I was a sweet, diaper-changing, laundry-loving, meal-making, always-happy mama.

The truth is, I don’t love diapers. I don’t relish waking up at all hours of the night. I don’t love meals and endless cooking and mountains of chronic laundry. I don’t prefer spending my afternoons driving around town, dropping off and picking up kids from across the city. I don’t necessarily like staying up nights helping with homework, or getting up early to pack nine lunches and chauffeur kids to their morning classes. These tasks are too often mundane.

Moms and Magic

Nobody comprehends what takes place in a mother’s day. But I’m here to tell you, it’s unbelievable — like magic. I remembered this fact after I survived yesterday — a day my husband was out of town.

I woke up at 6 a.m. There wasn’t a minute to lounge in bed because it was time to start breakfast, rouse the kids and get our morning moving. By 6:45, I had cooked eggs and toast, mixed juice and was packing lunches. (This was in between getting nine kids out of bed, reminding one to switch her laundry, putting a Band-Aid on a stubbed leg [how does that happen?] and resolving conflicts over which shirt was “cold-weather” appropriate.) By 6:55, I had sent my first batch of students out the door.

Choosing Children

I have a lot of children. More than normal, to be exact. (I assume that makes me abnormal, but hopefully in a good way.) Despite my large posterity, I’ve recently had some new insights about the value of children. Ideas I likely should have understood earlier, but nonetheless, just occurred to me. Call me a slow learner…

Of course, bearing and raising children is a highly personal choice, made by each soul (or souls) in their own sphere. Without standing on a soapbox, or attempting to push my life philosophies on anyone else, I want to share three significant things I’ve recently concluded – principles I have learned from choosing children.

Twice Blessed

Note: I originally wrote this article the week after we blessed our twins, in 2009. I'm reposting now in celebration of the twins' 5th birthday, and dedicate this experience to all the great twin moms I know. I've survived the first five years! And you can, too.

I am the mother of twins. Hooray! Hooray! Friends warned me that there would be twice as many diapers, twice as many feedings, and twice as much crying. 


“Never mind,” I thought. “By now I’m twice as good at being a mother.” Besides, one mother told me that the first six children are the hardest, after that it “just gets easier.”  Unfortunately, all I’ve experienced so far has been total chaos.


Happy Mother's Day!

I'm a mother. However, I’m quite convinced that Mother’s Day wasn’t created by a mom. I’m equally as sure that the day can only truly be appreciated by mothers.

As the mother of nine children, my Mother’s Day begins early. “Clink, clank, crash ...” I hear sounds from the kitchen. Pretending I’m asleep, I listen to my children (and husband) whispering and scurrying around making breakfast. The slight aroma of burned toast reaches my nose, and I hear the kitchen window opened quickly for some fresh air.